Until death do us part - Arranged or Love?

"I, take you, for my lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."

"I,  take you, for my lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."

These vows which are taken in a marriage are to be honoured and respected for life but in modern day, these words hold a little meaning in many marriages.  Many end up in divorce or annulments; maybe that's why many marriages start with signing a pre nup. What kind of marriages stay intact? Love marriages or arranged marriages? Should love be there to begin a marriage or could one find love within marriage? Does the fact whether your marriage started with love or whether it was arranged even matter to make a marriage work?

Marriages have been there for centuries. It started as a social union in a more contractual basis. Through that union, one family is able to create a kinship with the other. At first, marriages started as a union of properties and countries. The idea of arranged marriages started in the royal and aristocratic families. 

In Sri Lanka, the parents or a ‘kapuwa’ (matchmaking agent) will decide on the match based on the wealth, power, profession, caste, religion and horoscope ( although nowadays matrimonial sites, newspaper proposals column or a trusted third party is used for this purpose).In the rural areas of Sri Lanka the concept of arranged marriages play a huge role. In this type of arranged marriages the potential match will be allowed to speak in the presence of their parents and will not be allowed to ‘go out on dates’. This type of arranged marriage is quiet different to the  arranged marriage in the cities like Kandy and Colombo. The parents or the ‘Kapuwa’ will only act as agents who will match the couple. After the boy and the girl shows their interest, it will be in their hands to continue the relationship. The first meeting will be more like ‘going on a blind date while your parents stare at you’. You will be given few minutes to talk to your potential husband or wife (if you are lucky) or otherwise whatever you talk with the parents of the guy or the girl will be taken into account when you are ‘approved’.

Sri Lankan couple (past) when the concept of arranged
marriages was at its highest. The couple only saw
eachother once before the wedding

The only problem is with the arranged marriages in Sri Lanka is the type of lengths they go to get their son or daughter married. Many will put just about anything on the proposal ads to get their daughter or son married. Every guy in Sri Lanka wants a fair, slim and beautiful girl who knows how to cook and socialize. Many prefer a girl who doesn’t work or someone without or with a lesser educational qualifications than them. What’s funny is the fact that each guy wants girl very much younger than them. Last Sunday, I came across a post on fb (a photo of a marriage proposal advertisement) where a 60 year old divorced guy is looking for an unmarried girl below the age of 30!

Almost all the guys in the marriage proposals ads are teetotallers and only after they are married will the wife find out that her husband is an alcoholic. Some people will marry based on the profession or wealth, only to see that the professional man will have no life other than earning money or that the person will not have any qualities they admire.

Arranged marriages also have a positive side attached to it. Most arranged marriages do last until ‘death do us part’, although some have the potential of the same modern day routes of divorce and annulment. Arranged marriages have a lesser divorce rate because the couple is matched before they meet. Their professions, preferences, caste, wealth, dowry, horoscopes, everything is measured and matched to the last detail. Therefore, there will be no problems from the families of both parties - only the personalities of the two will depend on a successful marriage.

This is a different case for love marriages. Many couples who start with love end up in divorce, mostly because of the change in their partners after marriage. The guy who called you every second of the day doesn’t even want to talk to you after he comes from work or the girl, who asked you whether you had your dinner when she was having hers, will not even bother to know whether you are alive. Many couples build the fairytale of ‘happy ever after’ using the picture they drew while the ‘love’ was there. Marriage will NOT be a fairytale, it will be a story of two realistic people trying to discover themselves while discovering their partner.

In my opinion, it doesn’t matter whether the marriage started through love or whether it was arranged. What matters is the amount of sacrifice that one can put in and the amount of trust you will have on the other. Through trust comes the great emotion of love, no one is able to love a person they don’t trust. Trust will open up pathways to effective communication between the couple and they will be able to solve any problem which comes before them, together. Sacrifice will enable the marriage to drift smoothly and peacefully. These two qualities should also have a limit - no one should trust another blindly enough to ignore an affair your husband or wife is having; nor should one sacrifice too much only to be left with one rupee in your purse. Trust and sacrifice works both ways when making a marriage work. Only when a marriage is working will the couple be able to live the dream of ‘happy ever after’.

- SrI LaNkAn On ThE Go -

Becoming the 'Big Girl'

This is not about the novel by Danielle Steel or the movie 'Big Girl', most of all it is not about becoming fat! Although all the above topics seem interesting, I thought about sharing the Sri Lankan experience of menarche. Menarche or a girl's first period might bring give girls flashbacks of embarrasing maybe painful memories. For guys, it would sound 'disgusting!'.

At the age of 13ish that's what I thought about it; disgusting. Even though Sri Lankan girls are not educated in this prospect as in other countries, we all hear about it through our friends(exaggerated versions). After about Grade 7(12 years) the more time more late you become, the more pressured you become. Everywhere you go, even some distant relations house, they all want to know whether you are a 'big girl'. And if you haven't got that period then its as if the whole world is coming to an end. They ask you questions on what you have been eating and then give your parents advise on what to feed you and so on. Some on the other hand try to be discreet, they don't ask whether you have become a 'big girl' but when you say goodbye and give them a hug, the women touch the whole of your back to see whether you are wearing a bra!(arrrghhh!!!)

Even with the whole pressure of not having a period in Grade 8, I still didn't want it like the other girls in my class. I was happy, I could eat anything and do anything without telling another girl to check whether I have 'leaked' in my uniform. 

The fun didn't last for long, at the end of one faithful school day I started my period. I went home without looking at the male population as best as I could and then informed my mother. The beauty of informing my mother was that I was locked up in a room with a 'nail' and a 'hammer'! (the nail and the hammer was given to protect myself against evil and loneliness. So if you are ever lonely or feeling that evil will come and get you...you know what to do).

For a few days till my 'Kotahalu Mangalya' (a party to announce and celebrate a girl becoming a 'big girl') I was locked up in a room and treated like a princess. I could only have female visitors since it is considered that seeing males before the 'Kotahalu Mangalya' will bring you bad luck. For a few days I had the time of my life, watching movies, reading books and having my breakfast,lunch and dinner in bed at my wish.

In between all this, I was given the talk. The talk, in Sri Lanka is quite different from the talk women around the world have (I hope!). I was not told how it happened or why it happened, I was only told it happens once a month and thats all I need to know for now.

After few days of being locked up, the day finally arrived. At the auspicious time in the morning at freezing temperature I had to have a bath of ice cold water with medicinal herbs,etc in it and then strike a Jak tree to see whether 'milk' (milky sap of the tree Artocarpus integrifolia) will come out of it. The milk coming out of the tree is symbollic and will determine whether you will have children or not (so they say). 

After that I was covered by a big white clothe and taken inside. While going inside I had to break a coconut on the way 'for good luck'. Dressed in the colours which the priest suggested would be auspicious for me, I went to worship each and every older person who came for the celebration. The day was filled with lot of worshipping, smiling, celebration and gifts - lot of expensive gifts.That was the only good thing about becoming a 'big girl', no matter how small the jewellery will be, you will at least be left will 3 - 4 pieces of gold (yeah GOLD) after the celebration. 

No matter how embarassing your menarche was, I bet at least few of you might be thinking "Thank God I didn't have to go through all of that!".Right?

- SrI LaNkAn On ThE Go-

*'Big Girl', an expression used by many Sri Lankans to show that a girl has got her 1st period
* Most of the rituals written here would be Sri Lankan Buddhist rituals although Sri Lankan Hindu rituals would be relatively similar to the Buddhist rituals.

New Year Resolutions and Me

Well...first off you might be thinking why am I writing about new year resolutions in July? and why am I writting in a blog in the first place? It all started with my new year resolutions. Each year everyone around the world make a list of things they want to do before the coming year ends. Same in Sri Lanka. Every year I made a list only to see that I had to cross off the year and add the numbers of the coming year. After a while (as usual) I got tired of this. This year I'm going to complete at least three of my resolutions (from the total of 10).

 I completed my first resolution of "becoming friends again with someone I stopped being friends with" on the first day of January by sending a facebook request to her. We've been friends since Grades 6 and then became best of enemies in Grade 8. After 8 years of not speaking I finally sent a request to her and she accepted it after 2 weeks. The beauty of teachnology! I even started talking to her when I met her at birthday parties and now we even take photos together!

Now that it's nearly the end of the third week of July and I thought I might give another one of my resolutions a try. I always wanted to write. I loved reading books so I thought I'd give a go at writing a story. It worked out well but I can't tell anyone about the story because it contains stuff an unmarried Sri Lankan girl should not write about (my bad!).

I've always known that opinions matter from the day I started to understand things my parents said. From the start of my primary socialization, my parents were keen to tell me 'what a girl should do and what a girl shouldn't do'. I have my own opinions on things. Some have been influenced and some have been formed by the works of my own brain (yay!) but knowing that some things are not for the Sri Lankan ears I always wanted to write on a blog. The idea first came to me in 2009 when I watched a movie called 'Julie and Julia'. The thought of writing what you feel about and having people read them without knowning that it's me was really cool. I will somehow try to find time everyday so that I can relieve some of my stress and fullfil my third resolution ("Stop getting angry over everything").

When I try to write things I get so worked up. Writing the blog will come to me so easily, I think since I've been typing non - stop from the moment i started. And as I said opinions matter, I don't care if it hurts me but please tell me what you think. You don't know me and I don't know you so the whole world can become my counsellor and tell me how you feel about what I write!

-SrI LaNkAn On ThE Go -

p.s. - This is your chance find YOUR own resolutions list and try to complete them one by one without being like Ingrid from New Year's Eve (although you could try completing your resolutions at the last moment if you are sure that you are going to find a hottie like Zac to complete them for you ;) )